I thought I was stronger than this...maybe I'm just moody. Maybe I'm just scared. Maybe I need to go to class now.
( 11:09 AM ) Meghan
What a way to start the week when the first thing I hear in class Monday morning is that most couples only stay together for as long as their marriage is emotionally gratifying. So I guess "'Til death do us part" has been effectively thrown out the window and I'm royally screwed. How could I ever be good enough to satisfy anyone emotionally? I'm an insecure basket case with no tact who cares too much. Not that I ever thought I was ready for marriage at this point in my life, but with half of my friends engaged or married, shouldn't I at least be preparing? Two years ago, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted. I felt ready to commit and settle down. I was confident I had found exactly what was right for me. Within weeks of that, my entire perspective changed. Suddenly, I felt like I could be happier and that there was someone out there who fit me more perfectly than I had ever known. I felt...I felt...what did I know? If only I weren't such a girl...once bitten and twice shy never rang more clearly. If only I knew that there was someone out there who thinks that I'm good enough and wants to follow through. But I don't and I'm impatient. And all I can do is sit around and cry about it which makes me feel useless and annoying.
And I'm about to be licensed to handle other people's problems?
Saint Martha, patron saint of single women, pray for me...
( 11:05 AM ) Meghan
Saturday, October 27, 2001
Took another trip to the SPCA this morning. So many puppies, I didn't know what to do with myself! I would have thought that would be enough for a perfect morning, but not quite. A misunderstanding between myself and my volunteer coordinator made me considerably upset. There was a pet therapy session this morning that I was obligated to attend, but I didn't know. I apologized to my coordinator (several times), but I'm sure she thinks I am probably the most irresponsible human being in the world right now. Well, at least in Harrisonburg. I suppose I'll have to work at proving myself when I go to the nursing home next Friday. I know we all have to take our turn in life at being less than reliable. That's definitely this semester. But whether or not it's my turn, the feeling is not worth the experience.
Although this morning's visit didn't result in the best of circumstances, the one comfort was that the puppies didn't care at all. I spent most of my time with two 6-week old beagle/lab mixes who curled up in my lap and napped. They were the last two from a litter of nine and I think they were missing their siblings (for both companionship and body heat). So I sat with them and cuddled and soothed my two little babies into sweet puppy dreams...and for a few moments all was right with the world.
( 5:00 PM ) Meghan
Friday, October 26, 2001
Phi Alpha Inductions have been finally accomplished. I'm more saddened by it than I thought I would be. The last induction ceremony of my presidential administration. My professors seemed disappointed too, considering they asked me to come back after graduation and facilitate them. I think I'll take that as a compliment :)
( 7:10 PM ) Meghan
Tuesday, October 23, 2001
Although Fall Break was refreshing, it does not appear that it has increased my motivation to do work. It does seem to have lessened my concerns about not doing work, but that's not necessarily a good thing. Whatever, I'm no gypsy. I'll play the cards as they're dealt me.
Catherine and I did indeed have a lovely visit on Sunday. Food was excellent, gossip was plentiful, and it was great to spend some quality time with my favorite lesbian lover ;) Speaking of lovers, we did have alot of fun creating an updated version of the TJ dating-web. It will of course be burned as soon as I purchase some matches. A great deal of dysfunction to absorb indeed.
I'm sorry you're not having as good a semester as you could, Justin. If it's worth anything to you, it's not even close to all fun and games around Harrisonburg. We've had our share of conflicts at school and the apartment (or as I like to call it, Stonegate's House of Sin and Treachery). And, yes, men do suck. But so do women, so I guess it evens out the playing field to a point. And upon request, here's to you: [love]
Congratulations to Michael and Mary Cate Berard on their October 20th wedding! I hope you're thoroughly enjoying Cancun :)
( 12:58 PM ) Meghan
Monday, October 22, 2001
"Well I'll never be a stranger and I'll never be alone,
Whenever we're together, that's my home.
Home can be the Pennsylvania Turnpike,
Indiana's early morning dew,
High up in the hills of California,
Home is just another word for you."
--Billy Joel, You're My Home
Last night, my roommates and I embarked on a journey through the beautiful fall countrysides of Harrisonburg and Dayton to the mountain of Reddish Knob. All went well...we braved icy windchills, treacherous roads, and threats of mountain men to reach our destination. But we made it. Lunatic Rich must have been off duty that night...
When we finally reached the top, I felt so rejuvenated. It looked as if the skies had split wide open to reveal a treasure of light. It was a treasure that had been lost somewhere between time and blindness from the petty distractions of daily life. And the most beautiful thing about it was that I got to share it with some of the most important people in my life. No cynicism, no arguments. Just being and letting God show off His wonders...one creation of light to four others.
( 12:41 AM ) Meghan
Saturday, October 20, 2001
"Do you understand what I need from you?
Just let me be the girl to show you
Everything that you can be
Is everything that I can be.
(I wanna be) my turn
Let me let you know that I,
I can promise that I won't do that.
So, boy, say the time and place
'Cause you make me wanna misbehave.
I wanna be bad.
You make bad look so good.
I've got things on my mind
I never thought I would.
I, I wanna be bad.
You make bad feel so good.
I' m losing all my cool,
I' m about to break the rules.
I, I wanna be bad."
--Willa Ford, I Wanna Be Bad
Fall break is definitely doing it's job. Feeling more relaxed, and being bad, taking time off from all things work :)
( 6:38 PM ) Meghan
Thursday, October 18, 2001
So much for any sense of relaxation after aforementioned process recording...
These last two weeks have extraordinarily sucked. Although I have engaged in a much more eloquent analysis in my head of my specific troubles, the conclusion remains the same either way. I feel as if I've been walking around in a trance, waiting for the next verbal explosion, social concern, or massive assignment to aim a target directly at my addled soul. It's not one thing...definitely a culmination. Feeling that I can't motivate myself to get work done in a responsible time frame...that I can't seem to interact with my friends without sending someone into hysterics (including myself)...that I feel like very few people in this world genuinely care about me...that I'm the president of a student organization and can't get off my ass to run it sufficiently...that I'm scared to death about my practicum next semester, especially after having been read a newspaper article this morning about a CPS worker who was stabbed to death by disgruntled parents...that I know I'm not performing up to my usual par with schoolwork...that sometimes people I care about are sad and I'm essentially powerless to help them...that I'm too much of a sheltered outcast to have fun at a "real" college party...that although I'm not interested in a relationship right now, I don't think anyone would be interested anyway...that I feel like I just want to cry and cry about all of this, but haven't been able to do it yet and I'm convinced that I have PTSD.
My only hope, that this was all the fault of midterms and that this, too, shall pass.
( 2:38 PM ) Meghan
Saturday, October 13, 2001
So the slaughter has come and gone. I've completed my first process recording of the semester and turned it in an hour and a half late. Please pray that my professor has mercy on my academic soul...
In other news, I'm getting my car early! Officially on November 17th, our beautiful blue 1989 Honda Civic will be ALL MINE. Of course, the one who will actually benefit the most from this arrangement will be Jason. He was promised a ride anywhere anytime once I got my car as payback for two years of my mooching off his mobility. I may come to regret that promise:
"So Meghan, you want to go out for lunch?"
"Sure, Mexican sound good?"
"Sounds great. Hope you've got your passport."
So I've finally figured out why I've felt so burnt out from school this semester. Two words: Senior Slump. Don't you love how everything sounds so justified once you can put a label on it? I hope VCU understands.
( 12:03 PM ) Meghan
Tuesday, October 09, 2001
"I wouldn't if I were you
I know what she can do
She's deadly man,
she could really rip your world apart...
Oh here she comes.
Watch out boy,
she'll chew you up.
Oh here she comes.
She's a maneater."
It's going to be a vicious week...
( 7:15 PM ) Meghan
Tuesday, October 02, 2001
"I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do."
--Edward Everett Hale
Today I did try to do something. The JMU Social Work Department went to Washington, D.C. for the Biennial Policy Practice Forum. Currently, there is a bill stuck in committee, H.R. 1371, that if passed will allocate more funding to Child Protective Services in every state. So I went to speak with my congressman, Rep. Tom Davis (R-VA) to see what could be done. I was able to see his legislative assistant who requested a hard copy of the information I provided him. And although it wasn't climactic or even a definitive victory, it was a step. It was my first step in the forum of a career in child welfare. The weird thing is, I wasn't even scared. I went into the office, I spoke confidently, and it was over. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe it's a reminder that I can at least help to change the world.
